“I’m going to tell you what a demon once told me: It is okay to want your own happiness. It’s okay to care about yourself the most. It’s okay to do what’s healthy for YOU. When someone hits you, it’s okay to hit back and then ask them what the hell they expected. It’s okay. You are not obligated to sit there and smile and swallow every bit of shit everyone heaps on you. You are more than furniture, you’re more than window dressing, you’re not their shiny toy. You’re human, and you have the right to say “That was shitty of you”. You have a right to say “Let me feed that back to you; tell me, how does it taste?” You have a right to protest your own mistreatment and set boundaries for respectful interactions. The rest of the world doesn’t realize you have this right, and they will act offended and appalled when you exercise it, but it is yours.”

Defense Mechanisms In Relationships

Defense Mechanisms In Relationships

We all use defense mechanisms in our relationships from time to time. These are ways of keeping ourselves protected and from getting hurt. When our emotions are on the line it can be scary, and our minds use defense mechanisms as a way to cope with the anxiety. Here are some common defense mechanisms that we use in relationships:

·        Overcompensation. We overcompensate in relationships to distract from areas where we feel we have shortcomings. For example, you might not feel like you are close enough emotionally to your partner, so you overcompensate by dazzling them with your thrilling social life, taking them to parties and on exciting dates instead. We use this defense mechanism to make up for areas of insecurity and to protect ourselves from getting hurt.

·        Rationalization. Rationalization is a way of making excuses to avoid getting hurt. We might rationalize being with the wrong person because we don’t feel strong enough to be on our own. Or, we might rationalize getting dumped by telling ourselves that we didn’t really like them that much, instead of admitting how much it hurts.

·        Emotional Unavailability. This is where we put up walls around our emotions to avoid letting our partners get too close. We use this defense mechanism to avoid getting hurt. Using this defense mechanism is problematic because it means that you won’t ever let your partner in to see your true emotional self and as a result you won’t ever be able to be truly close to them.

·        Acting Out. This defense mechanism employs actions to distract from our emotions. For example, we might distract from being hurt by a breakup by having a series of one-night stands. Or, we might act out by cheating on our partner, to distract from being hurt by them or afraid of losing them. This defense mechanism focuses on doing things externally to protect what’s going on with our emotions.

·        Avoidance. Avoidance is a defense mechanism that is commonly used when we don’t know how to deal with a conflict or argument. We might get in a fight with our boyfriend or girlfriend and instead of talking to them about it, we will instead avoid their calls or pretend to be busy. We are simply avoiding a situation that might be painful or embarrassing. Avoidance is a short-term defense mechanism because sooner or later we end up having to deal with the problem.

·        Showiness. This is a defense mechanism that distracts our partners from our feelings of inadequacy. We might not feel that we have enough to offer on our own, so we turn to showiness to dazzle people with extravagant dates, gifts and other gestures. Showiness is a distraction technique that keeps our partners from seeing what’s underneath all the smoke and mirrors.

·        Denial. This defense mechanism is essentially any way in which we ignore a problem or issue in our relationship, in order to avoid dealing with it. We often find it easier to pretend that nothing is wrong instead of dealing with the situation, which could potentially be hurtful.

Big 5 Personality Traits & Relationships

Big 5 Personality Traits & Relationships

The Big 5 Personality Factors are general traits that describe our personalities. They are Openness, Contentiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness and Neuroticism. They are a measure of understanding our personalities and what makes us who we are. How do these 5 factors help to define us and what do they each mean for our relationships?

·        Openness. Also called Openness to Experience, this factor describes our intellectual curiosity, imagination, creativity and our preference for variety over routine. A persons openness, or their possession of these traits would make them a more flexible partner who is up for anything and able to enjoy a variety of activities and scenarios with their partner. They don’t have a narrow view of what a relationship should be and are open minded when it comes to the possibilities for their relationships.

·        Contentiousness. This describes our self-discipline, organization, planning and dependability. In a relationship, this would be portrayed through our ability to be monogamous and faithful to our partners despite temptation, as well as our willingness to be in a committed relationship that requires planning our lives alongside another persons. Our conscientiousness would also affect how we organize our thoughts and emotions during conflict and how we plan for the future of our relationships.

·        Extraversion. This factor describes our assertiveness, how outgoing we are, and our desire to seek the company of other people. Being either an extrovert or an introvert doesn’t make us more or less likely to be in a successful relationship, but rather it indicates the type of other people we are compatible with and what type of social situations we are most comfortable in. For example, an introvert and an extrovert can be successful partners, but would need to find balance in the amount of social stimulation that they each need in the relationship. Understanding and respecting your partners level of extraversion will help with the success of your relationship.

·        Neuroticism. This factor describes our levels of unpleasant emotions such as anxiety, vulnerability, insecurity or anger. It also describes our emotional stability. Our level of neuroticism impacts our relationships in the way that we feel secure and confident in ourselves. Someone who is highly neurotic may have low self esteem and experience a lot of self doubt and anxiety, making it difficult to trust their partners with their emotions.

·        Agreeableness. This factor examines our ability to trust, be compassionate, and helpful and cooperative. Someone who is highly agreeable would make a good partner as they would be very trustworthy and would make their partner’s emotions and well being a top priority. A high level of agreeableness would also mean that a person is willing to work together on the relationship and lend their help and support to their partner when needed.

What Their Conflict Style Reveals About Them

You can learn a lot about your partner by looking at how they act when you’re arguing. A person’s conflict style can reveal a lot about their personality and their feelings towards you:

·        They initiate arguments. If they have no qualms about confronting you or instigating arguments it’s a sign that they have an aggressive personality. They don’t like letting things go by the wayside and want to deal with conflict head on. This also shows that they care about your relationship – they don’t want to just let disagreements go, and they’d rather deal with them instead of letting hostility fester.

·        They’re explosive. If they yell, burst into tears or act in any other emotionally explosive way, they are a passionate person. They care deeply about the relationship and have invested a lot of their emotions in it. They care about what you do and think, and take it personally when you’re upset about something.

·        They shut down. If they storm off or shut down communication it means that they have difficulty dealing with stress and conflict. They would rather avoid it, which is why they try to leave. They care a lot about you and what you think, and want to avoid any situation or argument that reflects badly on them or casts a negative light on the relationship.

·        They’re apologetic. If they’re quick to accept the blame and are always taking the fall for every argument, it’s a sign of a low self-confidence. They assume everything is their fault and they are eager to keep you happy, which they try to do by accepting the blame for everything.

·        They won’t let it go. Even after the argument is long over, if they keep bringing it up and re-hashing it, it means they are a perfectionist. They don’t want to rest until something is completely dealt with or until they feel like you understand their point.

·        Speaks their mind and listens to you. If they present their case and listen while you do the same, they are a well-balanced person and an excellent communicator. They are mature enough to listen to your side without getting emotional and they understand that every argument has two sides.

·        They joke about it. If they can’t have a serious conversation and turn to humor and sarcasm when you argue, it’s because they don’t want things to get too heavy. They like to diffuse serious situations with humor and avoid serious discussions and confrontation.

·        They get quiet. If they get really quiet when you have an argument, they are likely trying to collect their thoughts and thinking about how to respond. They care about you and the relationship and don’t want to say the wrong thing. They prefer to think about their response instead of just blurting something out that could be taken the wrong way.

·        They sulk. If they sulk and pout after every argument, it’s a sign of immaturity. They aren’t confident enough to voice what they really wanted to say, so they are sulking because they feel like they weren’t fully understood or they didn’t get the outcome that they wanted. They are invested tin the relationship because they care about what you think, but they lack the confidence to really voice their thoughts.