What NOT To Say To A Friend In Crisis

What NOT To Say To A Friend In Crisis

It’s great to support a friend through a hard time. Being there for them, and helping them talk through it is a wonderful way to help them heal. But there are certain things that you should avoid saying if you want to keep from doing more harm than good:

·        “It could be a lot worse”. Of course any situation could always be a lot worse, but no one wants to hear this. Don’t downplay what they are going through by telling them that other people have it harder or that their situation isn’t all that bad. When you are upset about something it feels rotten, so just let them wallow and have their moment.

·        “There are plenty of other fish in the sea”. No one wants to hear this cliché after a breakup. Of course there are other people out there, but at the time they aren’t interested in thinking about it. Dating other people and the idea of getting back out there seems overwhelming, and it’s the last thing on their mind. They are also grieving the loss of their relationship, so give them time to do that before you start suggesting that they date other people.

·        “I know exactly how you feel”. Unless you’ve been through an identical situation, you don’t know how they feel, so don’t tell them that you do. If you can’t relate to what they’re going through just say something like, “I can only imagine how upset you must be”. Or, “I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better”. Don’t pretend that you have all the answers if you don’t.

·        “That reminds me of this thing that happened to me…”. This is not about you, so stop yourself before you launch into stories about yourself and your own experiences. Don’t turn the situation into a chance to talk about yourself. Instead, try listening to their feelings rather than doing so much talking.

·        “Hang in there”. You mean well when you say this but it’s annoying to hear when you’re going though a hard time. It sounds like you’re just trying to placate them and it doesn’t really mean anything, because they have no choice but to hang in there. Try saying something less patronizing and less generic, like, “I know you’ll get through this, and I’ll be there to help you however I can”.

·        “That happened to a friend of mine and she died/ended up alone forever/had a traumatic experience”. If something bad happens to someone, resist the urge to tell them horror stories about similar things happening to other people. If someone is sick, don’t tell them how your neighbor was hospitalized for months with the same thing only to die a slow and painful death. People feel the need to share gory details with people who are going through a hard time, and it’s unnecessary and only makes the other person feel worse. Try to be uplifting instead.