We hear a lot about oxytocin and dopamine hormones being the culprit of our attachment after being intimate, but can we really blame it on the hormones? The story goes that oxytocin and dopamine are released after orgasm in both genders which then leads to feelings of attachment, clinginess, trust and elation. If that is the case the premise would be that no matter if the act of intimacy is bad, so long as there is orgasm there will be attachment and so then on the flip side, are we saying that if there was intense intimacy and pleasure given and received without an excitement that there is no attachment?! I for one am extremely dubious about such a premise.
In my observation of human behavior, I’ve come to understand that as human beings we all seek acceptance and love, no matter what gender we may be. Women tend to be more sensitive and emotional and so this need is more apparent in females verses males who tend to be less emotional, but despite what may seem at first glance this need is there for both men and women. When we are close with someone, especially intimately, more often than not there is already some sort of admiration in place. Once intimacy takes place that admiration starts to grow along with trust and care. Our need for love and acceptance grows as well.
From what I’ve seen, attachment forms over time. Just because you are physically intimate with someone once it will not make you clingy or attached. Furthermore how often does it happen that physical intimacy is amazing from the start? Typically it is not, it becomes amazing with time, as two people get to know each other, and get more comfortable with each other. It becomes great when two people trust each other enough to allow themselves to stop thinking and worrying and only when they start to truly feel one another. Attachment comes with communication, with care and signs of genuine love and awe.
If you meet someone casually every few weeks, I highly doubt you will form as strong an attachment as you would if you’d be in constant communication on a daily basis, when you would spend time socially and develop a genuine friendship. So is it really the hormones at play or our minds? I say that whatever role our hormones play it is very minor in our attachment long term. Short term, of course if you somehow end up having great physical interaction from the get go you will definitely develop a stronger attachment but again, think about why. Someone has to be interested enough to get into your head, they have to want to please you, they have to know how to please you and they have to make you feel like you are a priority. So again, is it purely the hormones or the way we are being treated? Whether the attachment from the amazing physical act lasts long-term however depends whether both parties continue to treat each other in the same way outside of the “amazing physical act" with care, desire to please and the feeling of being a priority. Physically it is great because you feel good and secure, without one the other fades and no amount of hormones will save it.
To address clinginess as opposed to attachment which is a bit different, it is definitely possible to feel a bit more clingy or needy after being physically intimate. Why? Well it really depends with each person and experience. If it is an ongoing long term relationship and you feel clingy after a session of great physical intimacy it is most likely due to the fact that you miss your partner and want to maintain that feeling of elation. In short term relationships, your clinginess is probably due to a need of validation, acceptance and as a show of continued interest from your partner. Whatever the case may be, know that this is temporary and try to pass this time of vulnerability by keeping extra busy and doing what you love as far as hobbies. Remind yourself that you have a life and it does not revolve around the other person. When you act secure in yourself and independent you will be desired even more.
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