This one time I painted a living room with a girl.

This was a handful of years back. It was about eight months before the huge, flame-out of a breakup. That day, though? That day we painted the living room? It was pretty uneventful. We painted my parents living room for $50 between us and a pizza. That was it. I think we watched Anchorman or something after that.

"But it still holds as on of the most indelible memories I have. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not still in love, it happened, it was good, it ended, and we’ve both moved on. But I’ll never forget that day. Because it’s never, in the long run, about the grand gestures. You can fly across the world and show up on her doorstep with a rose in your teeth and a ring in a little velvet box but I can guarantee you that - more often than not - she’s going to remember the time you built the birdhouse in the back yard, or what have you, a whole lot more.

Life wasn’t meant to be taken in large movements. The next day will inevitably arrive, you’ll sleep, and the moment will have passed. But when you have a hundred thousand small moments, you can step back and appreciate the picture a lot more than metaphorically blowing your load on some grand moment that, in all honesty, look, you’re not Bruce Fucking Springsteen, you’re not going to be able to blow everyone’s mind every single night. You’re not Romeo and/or Juliet. There’s no reason to drink the poison together in some flame-out gesture. So that leaves us with the small stuff. It’s all about the detail.

That’s what love is. Attention to detail.

And the moment will end. And then things will get boring. And it might get a little quiet. And it might all end horribly. And you might hate eachother at the end. And you might walk away from eachother one day and never speak again. But that’s just how it goes.

But she’ll remember the time you held the door open for her on your first date.
She’ll remember the time you laughed at her impression of the landlady.
She’ll remember the time you stayed up all night that first time. 
She’ll remember the small things a lot longer than the big ones.

But everything ends. And I’ll tell you why you have to make the small things, the small moments count so much more:

One day, probably a while longer from now, when old age takes ahold of someone, she might just only remember your smile. Everything you ever did together, every second, every moment, every beat, every morning spent in bed, every evening spent together on the sofa, all of that - gone. Everything you ever did will be reduced to the head of a pin. She won’t remember your name. She’ll just remember your smile, and she’ll smile. She won’t know why. It’s a base, gut reaction. But she’ll smile, uncontrollably, and it will come from somewhere so deep as to know that you touched her on a primal, honest, and true level that no scientist, scholar, or savant could ever begin to explain. There is no more. There is nothing else. There is just this: She’ll remember your smile, and she’ll smile."

the person who loves you now once loved someone else, and you have to be okay with that

he person who loves you now, at this very moment in time, at this particular juncture in space, once loved someone else before you, and you have to be okay with that. You have to be okay with all the previous mouths they’ve kissed or put their tongues into, all the names they’ve pronounced dozens of times until they got them just right. You have to be okay with those things, and with the beds they’ve slept in that were not their own, with the hands they held and the bodies they explored, even the awkward first dates they went on filled with so much tension it couldn’t have been sliced even with a butcher knife.

Because the thing is, the person who loves you now was a different person entirely before they were with you. Every passageway hidden inside their body was lit differently; every corridor inside their brain was traveled by new thoughts. Their synapses were firing with another kind of love, a love unique to this person and their significant other. If all the different kinds of love in the world were bottled up in tiny vials like perfume or shots of alcohol, there would be millions. Billions, even. Trillions. Because what’s love for one person, is something else entirely to another. So the person who loves you now- they once held a bottle of another color, size, shape, you name it, in their hands, right over their heart.

But that doesn’t mean that you have to try to find this vial, wherever it’s residing currently, and smash it open till all the love pours out in a thick stream, just so you can fill yours with the same kind of love. It doesn’t mean that. In fact, it’s better if you don’t, because what the person who loves you now had with their previous lover can never be replicated. It would be wrong to steal a feeling like that and try to make it your own.

The body is basically a mosaic. Every inch of it- veins, lungs, liver, fingernails- is filled with different memories and experiences. It’s a collage of so many things. If you aren’t okay with the person who loves you now, loving someone else before you, then essentially you’re not okay with all the shards nestled beneath their skin that are made up of this previous lover. Essentially, you’re not okay with some of their pieces, and without those pieces, they wouldn’t be whole. You can’t be with a broken shell of a person, or a half skeleton, or a mosaic missing its most basic parts.

You have to learn to say yes to the entire person, not just the parts of them you wish were yours. The person you love now isn’t a computer chip whose electrical wiring and circuits can be deleted or removed at will. So treat them like every single shard and scar and word is necessary, because, well, it is.

And it can be so hard to lie awake at night while your partner is asleep, tracing the curves of their back and counting the names of their exes instead of sheep. If you’re looking for a cure for insomnia, that’s certainly not going to help. It’s difficult, yes, as difficult as crawling through a hurricane or pulling yourself from the wreckage of a splintered ship lost in the middle of the water, but you have to stop thinking about everyone who loved the person who now loves you, and who they loved before you. The past can’t be changed, only less thought of.

Besides, think of it this way- who you go home to at night, who you wake up to in the morning, who you hold like a tidal wave, who you’d rather lie next to than get up- they’re made up of everyone before them. They’re made up of all this previous love, all these different kinds of love, a multitude of different loves and first and last dates, a plethora of hugs and stargazings and the first time they were ever told or said “I love you.” With all that love buried deep within the basement of their heart, they’ve been taught how to be prepared for you. All their previous lovers were just preparing them for loving you. They’ve been taught so well, by some of the best teachers. It’s okay to be the recipient of someone else’s lesson. Remember that.

The person who loves you now, right now- who even as you read this might be touching your neck in that way they do, or smiling at you from across the room, or wishing they could bed you right then and there- they loved someone else before you. And you have to be okay with that, you do.

Because the fact that they love you now, despite loving someone else beforehand, means that you’re pretty damn special.

Adventure Dates

Adventure Dates

Summer is the perfect time to ditch dinner and a movie and do something wild and crazy on a date. The weather is hot and there’s a feeling of spontaneity that comes with summer, so take advantage and try one, or all, of these adventurous date ideas:

·        Hiking.  Strap on a pack and set out on a hike. Choose a trail that’s appropriate for your level of expertise and take your partner out for a day of fun. Hiking is a fun way to do something adventurous and gives us a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction that feels great when we reach the top. There can also be a playful, competitive spirit at play as you hike, which can make the date even more fun.

·        White water rafting. Find a guide, or a group to go with, and take your partner out to ride the rapids. The freezing cold, rushing water will keep your heart and adrenaline pumping, and will give you a fun, physical challenge as well.

·        Bungee jumping. This isn’t for the faint of heart, but if you’re looking for something truly adventurous, then this is the date for you. You will bond with your partner over the fear and thrill of doing something so crazy together.

·        Zip lining. Flying through the air on a zip line will give you and your date an experience that you’ll never forget. The freedom of feeling weightless will give you a great rush, and conquering your fears together will bring you even closer together.

·        Sky diving. This is the ultimate in adventure dates. You’ll have an experience that neither of you will ever forget, and it will give you something to talk about long after it’s over. Plus you need to attend training courses together before you do it, and the act of working towards something together will be fun and rewarding.

·        Babysitting. In all seriousness, this can be a major adventure, especially if you’re not used to hanging out with kids. Offer to babysit a relative’s kids for an afternoon and hang on for a wild ride. Kids are totally unpredictable and all over the map, so get ready for a day of fun, frustration, exhaustion and mayhem. You’ll both be beat afterwards and will be happy to give the kids back to the parents and spend some down time together.

Types of Love

Types Of Love

Love, while wonderful, isn’t black and white, and it sure isn’t simple. There are lots of different types of love and we experience different types with the various people in our lives. Here are the types of love:

·        Romantic Love. This is often what people think of when they first think about love. Romantic love occurs between two people who are in a relationship and care deeply for each other. They are attracted to each other as friends, as well as physically and emotionally. Romantic love is the love we feel for our partners, and is often accompanied by things like butterflies in our stomach or thinking about them all the time.

·        Companionate Love. This is the kind of love we feel for our friends and we can also feel it with our partners as they grow into being our best friends. Companionate love is emotional and spiritual but lacks the physical aspect that romantic love has. With companionate love we care deeply about someone, love the way they contribute to our lives and want to see them happy. We are comfortable with them and have a routine of being together that bring happiness and comfort to both parties.

·        Unconditional Love. This is the type of love that we feel with our families, or in some cases, with very good friends. Unconditional love means that we will never stop loving someone, even if they hurt or disappoint us. When we love someone unconditionally there is no worry breaking up because the love is forever.

·        Physical Love. This is also known as lust, and describes the chemical/physical attraction that we can feel towards someone. Physical love may can be felt on it’s own or it may be combined with other types, such as romantic love. Physical love is an attraction to a person’s physical appearance, although a person’s personality can also play a role in our attraction to them as well. Physical love can often develop into more when we get to know the person better, which is often the case with new couples.

·        Toxic Love. Toxic love happens when we love someone who isn’t good for us. For example, if you are in a relationship with someone who is abusive or dangerous to you in some way, you may very well know that the relationship isn’t healthy but you love them regardless. It’s characterized by the feeling of an invisible force that draws you into the relationship even if it’s not good for you. Toxic love is often characterized by a feeling of desperation and a sense of urgency to be together, but not in the stable and healthy way that other types of love are. The reasons for being in a relationship that involves toxic love often have more to do with the individuals self esteem than the other person in the relationship.

·        Unrequited love. Unrequited love is the experience of loving someone who either doesn’t love you back, or doesn’t know how you feel. Unrequited love can be painful and you may feel “lovesick” for the other person. You may yearn for them and the longing can be difficult to endure. You may have to see them with another partner, which can make you feel particularly pained. Unrequited love can be changed if you eventually end up together, but it can also last for years if you continue to harbor feelings for someone without it ever materializing into a relationship.

How To Be A Cool Boyfriend/Girlfriend

We all know those people who just seem like they would be a really great boyfriend or girlfriend to have. They have a ton of fun and don’t get hung up on nagging or being jealous. Here are 10 tips on how to be a cool boyfriend/girlfriend yourself:

1.    Have a life. Being independent and having your own life, your own goals, friends, etc is one of the coolest things you can do in a relationship. You’ll always be interesting to be around and your partner will feel lucky to have you.

2.    Get along with their friends and families. Your partner will think it’s really cool if all of their buddies and their families like you and want to have you around. No one wants to date that person that no one wants to be around.

3.    Be creative. Don’t just suggest the same old dinner and a movie or say, “whatever you want” when asked what you want to do on a date. Take the initiative and think of creative date ideas and your partner will be super impressed and counting down until your next date.

4.    Be thoughtful. Treat your boyfriend/girlfriend to thoughtful little surprises and treats and they’ll think you’re amazing. Not only will they love the gestures but they’ll feel super special and always be looking forward to what’s next.

5.    Be their biggest fan. You are guaranteed to be the coolest boyfriend/girlfriend out there if you are always cheering your partner on in life. Everyone loves to be around someone that inspires them and builds them up.

6.    Have their back. If your partner knows that they can always count on you to defend them, stick up for them, and be there for them, they won’t be able to help but think you’re the greatest. The security of knowing that you’re always there for them will make them feel great.

7.    Be low maintenance. Low maintenance people are fun and easy to be around. They’re relaxed and are able to just go with the flow without a lot of drama. If you’re low maintenance your partner will love how easygoing you are.

8.    Be spontaneous. Your partner will think you’re super fun if you’re up for anything and can have fun anytime or anywhere. If you just need each other to have a good time you’re lucky to be together.

9.    Have ambition. You’ll be inspiring if you share your goals and your ambitions with your partner. They’ll be psyched to think about their own goals and share them with you too. It’s a downer being with someone who just wants to hang out and do nothing.

10. Don’t be perfect. The coolest people to be with aren’t afraid to look dorky and don’t have to be perfect all the time. They can let their guard down and just have fun. If you and your partner can do that together then you’ll be the coolest people in each other’s eyes.

10 Signs You’re Ready to Date Again

After a rough breakup you might feel like you never want to date again. But eventually, you will get over it and find yourself starting to think about dating again. Here are the signs that you’re ready:

1.    You don’t think about your ex all the time. When you first break up, your ex is always on your mind. But, as time passes you go longer and longer without thinking about them. You’re ready to date again when you aren’t constantly thinking about them and can go more than a day without thinking about them and wondering what they’re doing.

2.    You can picture a future without your ex. If you can start to see your future and it doesn’t involve your ex, you’re ready to start dating again. You may not know who your future partner will be, but you’re not ready to start dating if you can only think of your ex.

3.    You aren’t doing it to make them jealous. You aren’t ready to date if you’re using it as a way of playing games to make your ex jealous. If you’re doing it for yourself, and for other positive reasons, then you’re ready.

4.    You’re wondering who else is out there. If you’re starting to think about whom else might be out there for you, you’re ready to start dating again. If you can get your ex out of your mind and start to get excited about the idea of meeting other people, it’s a great sign that you’re ready for a new relationship.

5.    You’re ready to have fun. Dating new people is really fun. If you’re ready to stop being alone and to stop moping about your ex, and are excited to get out and start having fun again, it’s a sign that you’re ready to move on.

6.    You’re ready for the excitement of a new relationship. Being in a new relationship is fun and exhilarating. If you’re excited about experiencing the thrill of a new relationship again, you’re ready to get out there and start dating again.

7.    You’re doing it for the right reasons. If you want to start dating because you want to find the right person for you, you want to have fun, and you want to meet someone new, then you’re ready to date again. If you’re doing it for revenge or to get back at your ex or just because you’re lonely, then those aren’t the right reasons.

8.    You’re happy being alone. If you’re ok being single and are happy on your own, then you’re ready to start dating again. You need to be confident enough on your own in order to be ready for a new relationship.

9.    You’re emotionally available. You’re ready to start dating again if you’re over your past relationship and are ready to get emotionally involved again. If you’re too fragile or hurt by your ex to give your heart to a new partner, you aren’t ready.

10. You’re not trying to get back together. If you’re not secretly holding onto hope of getting back together with your ex, then you’re ready to date again. If you’re holding out for them to come back into your life, you’re not ready for someone new.

Pros & Cons Of Staying Friends After You Break Up

Is it better to remain friends after you break up or to go your separate ways? It’s hard to say which is best for each couple, but here are the pros and cons to consider:

Pros

·        You’ll have something to show for your time together. After all the time and energy you spent on your relationship when you were together, it’s nice to have a great friendship to show for it after you break up. You’ve already put the time and effort in so it’s great to continue to enjoy the benefits even if you aren’t together as a couple.

·        You know each other really well. After being a couple you know each other inside and out so it’s an easy transition into being friends. Because you know them so well you’ll be able to a great friend to them and visa versa.

·        You’re compatible. If you were together as a couple you’re bound to have some things in common that you can carry over and enjoy as friends. It’s great to be able to keep spending time together doing what you enjoy even if you’re not dating anymore.

·        There’s less pressure and more fun. You don’t have to worry about living up to each other’s expectations like you do when you’re together in a relationship. As friends you still get to spend time together but you can just have fun and forget about the pressures of being a couple.

Cons

·        You’re not used to hanging out as friends. It can be hard to spend time together as friends when you’re used to being in a romantic relationship. You might have to remind yourself not to reach out to hold hands or to do other things that you might have done when you were a couple.

·        Having to talk about new relationships. Friends typically talk to each other about who they are dating, so if you’re friends with your ex you might have to listen to them talk about their new boyfriend/girlfriend. This can be really hard, even if you think you’re over them.

·        They’ve seen your vulnerable side. We let our romantic partners see more personal sides of us than we do with our friends. It can be difficult to go from that close and personal relationship to one that is more casual after you’ve already been together.

·        It can be hard to forgive. If you want to be friends you’ll have to get over whatever problems you had as a couple and put them aside. If you’re not prepared to do this you might have a tough time being friends after you break up.

“1. Learn to know them. Watch their facial expressions, watch the way their body twists and bends. Notice the freckles along their noses, their arms, their back. Listen to their laughter, listen to the way their voice cracks when they’re upset. Find their weakness, their broken points, their darkness. Find their light. Find the things unique to them. Ask them about their childhood, ask them about their favorite place to read, ask them what their last words would be if they could choose. Know them.

2. Let these things blossom beneath their skin like flowers, like bruises, so every time you see them, it will be a reminder. Let those bruises shine like moons in every phase and the smaller things shine like stars. They are your night sky, and you are the astronomer.

3. Show them the constellations you have found and let them find a glowing world beneath their skin. Ask them to read you their favorite poem or sing you their favorite song. Learn to love their passion for whatever it is they enjoy. Learn to love their shooting stars.”
- Kelsey Danielle, “How to Love Someone