Behavior Study: Five (Kind of) Unknown Psychological States

*Keep in mind these aren’t very 100% proven, and are only proposed theories/food for thought. 

1. Normopathy: Coined by psychiatric theorist, Christoper Bollas, Normopathy is used to describe a person who’s obsessively fixated on blending into whatever the rest of the crowd is doing. We’ve all experienced a little of it at one point, but a bad case of Normopathy is extremely unhealthy. Someone with Normopathy will break themselves down until they have no unique personality, and will almost shape-shift to conform to whatever surrounding they find themselves in. This is obviously very difficult and hard on the esteem of the person, so a violent outburst once in a while isn’t too uncommon. 
2. Repetition Compulsion: This one’s courtesy of Sigmund Freud, so you know it’ll be a fun one. A lot of us have a habit of repetition; maybe you like watching one movie over a couple of times, or make yourself the same lunch for a few days. That’s not too weird. But Freud was more interested in analyzing the bad choices that we choose to compulsively repeat. One article mentioned bad dating choices as an example, and that’s a perfect comparison. Why do you date the same type of person over and over if it keeps ending badly? According to Freud, this method of going back to an old decision is us secretly wanting to go back all the way before we were alive. You know, when we were dead. It’s part of his “Death Drive” theory. 
3. Aporia: This is basically that really weird, almost empty feeling you get when you find out something you thought was completely true - is not. This theory was put together in the Greco-Roman days, but is still relevant today thanks to this giant ball of information constantly giving us facts that may or may not be true: the internet! 
4. Sublimation: Here’s another theory by Sigmund Freud. It’s no secret that Freud placed a lot of importance on the human sex drive; and Sublimation is pretty much the most famous of his sex-driven theories, though it’s name isn’t too well known. According to this, everything that you do is fueled by your desire to ~*~ procreate ~*~. If you dedicate an hour or two to painting an awesome portrait, it’s because you were really sexually frustrated, not because you love art. Sublimation means to transfer that desire and take it out on something else, something productive and usually artsy. 
5. Enthrallment: W. Gerrad Parrot, a professor in Psychology, put together a list of categories under which human emotions fall. He ended up adding one in there, one he hadn’t seen addressed before: Enthrallment. What this is, is a feeling of powerful emotion, almost like love or lust, but not either of those things. It’s the kind of feeling you get while watching an amazing performance of something you’re passionate about, or listening to someone with a great voice sing live. It’s exhilaration + inspiration without it having to be intimate. 

How To Save A Relationship

If your relationship has been on a rocky road lately, you may be considering whether you want to work on it or end it. If you decide that you want to fight for it and save your relationship, here are some things to consider and tips for how to go about doing it:

·        Is it worth fighting for? Before you put the effort in to save your relationship, ask yourself if it’s really worth fighting for. Do you love each other? Is there something good worth saving, or do you have more issues than you can even name? Do you want the same things out of the relationship and in the future? Do you have the same values? Decide if it’s worth saving before you try to make it work.

·        Find the key issues. Look past the petty disagreements and fights and figure out what your main issues are. Do you need to communicate more? Value each other more? Find out what the major issues are and then you can work on fixing them.

·        Do you both want to save it? If one of you is over it, it’s never going to work. You both need to be invested in the relationship and want to make it work in order to stand a chance.

·        Work at it. Start chipping away at fixing your problems, little by little. It won’t come easy and it won’t be an overnight fix either, but if you start small and keep working at it, you’ll get there. There will be lots of times where you’ll feel frustrated but keep working on it and you’ll see results.

·        Give it time. Your relationship won’t be repaired after a day. Even if you’ve made good progress and had some success, you still need to be patient and give it time. People don’t change overnight and your relationship won’t either.

·        Ask for feedback. Communicate along the way and talk with your partner about how you each feel that it’s going. Talk about the progress that you’ve made and give each other feedback on what areas still need improvement. If there have been positive changes made be sure to tell each other and compliment each other on your success too.

·        Take the pressure off. Make sure you and your partner still do things together that are fun and casual. Don’t make every date about talking about the relationship and your problems. Take some of the pressure off by having fun together and spending time together in your favorite ways. You can’t expect to be working on the relationship at all times; you need time for fun and relaxation too.

Deal Breakers

Every relationships has its highs and lows, it’s joys and its issues. It’s normal to expect some hiccups in our relationships, but these 6 things should be major deal breakers for any of us:

·        Lying. Lies, even small ones, should be a red flag that something isn’t right. Why does your partner feel the need to lie to you and what else are they lying about? If they will lie about one thing, what will stop them from lying about everything else? Since trust is a major foundation of any successful relationship, you should consider lying a deal breaker. If you can’t trust your partner, then why would you want to be with them?

·        Cheating. Even if it was only once, cheating is a deal breaker. What would stop them from doing it again, and how can you trust them once they’ve cheated? By cheating on you, your partner has shown a great deal of disrespect to both you and the relationship and shows that they don’t value the relationship enough to stay faithful to you.

·        Betrayal. Like lying and cheating, betrayal of any kind should not be taken lightly. If your partner has betrayed your trust or your confidence in any way, what will stop them from doing it in the future? You shouldn’t have to think twice before confiding in your partner and wonder if you can trust them.

·        Insulting you. Any type of verbal abuse from your partner should not be tolerated. If they insult you or put you down, it’s clear that they don’t respect or value you. And if that’s the case, they may also be likely to break your trust in other ways. Everyone deserves to be in a relationship where they are treated with kindness and respect.

·        You are the lowest priority. If your partner puts everything and everyone else before you, it should be a deal breaker. You don’t want to be their lowest priority. If you are invested in their relationship, you want to have a partner that is as well. You deserve attention and time from your partner, not to be at the bottom of their list.

·        Physical abuse. This is a major deal breaker. Not only are you placing yourself in danger by tolerating it, but also you’re confirming your partner’s disrespect for you. If your partner is physically abusive it’s clear that they have their own issues to work out that likely have nothing to do with you, and you shouldn’t wait to stick around while they do that.

How To Take Your Relationship To The Next Level

In every relationship there are times where you feel ready to take things to the next level. This might mean that you’re ready to be exclusive, you want a more serious commitment, you want to move in together, and so on. When that time comes, how do you go about doing it and how do you know if it’s right? Follow these tips for taking your relationship to the next level:

·        You both have to want it.  Taking the relationship to the next level will only work when you both want it. If one person wants to be exclusive and the other wants to date other people, it’s never going to work. You need to both be on the same page about wanting to advance things to the next level.

·        Think about why you want it. Do you want to commit to the relationship because you’re in love and you feel like it’s the next step in solidifying your relationship? Or are you doing it because you’re afraid of losing them? Or maybe you feel pressured by your friends or partner? Think about the reasons behind wanting to take it to the next level and make sure they are the right ones.

·        Is the timing right? It’s important to consider the timing when you’re thinking of taking things to the next level. Did you just start dating or have you been together for a long time? Some decisions like deciding to be exclusive can be right after even just a few dates, and others, like moving in together shouldn’t be rushed and should only be considered when you’ve known each other long enough to be secure in the decision.

·        Be clear about what you want. If you’re sure about what you want then it’s time to talk about it with your partner and let them know what you’re thinking of. Be clear with them about what you want. If you’re wishy-washy they won’t really be sure about what you’re asking. Make it really simple for them and be clear about what you want the next step to be.

·        Don’t skip ahead. It’s fun to imagine your future together but try not to get too far ahead of yourself and stick to moving up one step at a time. Don’t rush into moving in before you talk about committing to each other, or don’t scare your partner off by talking about your wedding and future babies if you just want to be exclusive. Take it one step at a time.

·        Have a plan. Have a plan when you talk to your partner about taking it to the next level and your conversation will go more smoothly. And have an idea in mind about what specifically you want from them. But….be prepared to be flexible. Your plan shouldn’t be set in stone and should leave room for your partner’s feedback and ideas too.

Things That Change Your Personality

For the most part, our personalities are hardwired. They are engrained in us from birth and we tend to stay true to them throughout our lives. But, there are some significant events that can have such a big impact on us that they can change our personalities. Here are some of the major events or things that can change a person’s personality, for better or for worse:

·        Overcoming major obstacles. We often hear stories of how people overcome a major illness and turn their life around, or endure a traumatic event to come out and make major changes to the way they live their lives. Being faced with major obstacles like a life threatening illness or significant traumatic event can shake us to the very core, and gives people an eye opening experience. The idea of facing death inspires people to look at their lives and wish they had done things differently. When given a “second chance” at life these people often come out with a makeover in their personalities. Someone who was once bitter and pessimistic can become kind and optimistic, or someone who was high strung and a control freak can become relaxed and mellow.

·        Money. Sometimes for the better, but often for worse, money has the ability to change people. People often undergo many emotional and personal changes when they inherit a large amount of money, win the lottery, or get a job that suddenly pushes them into a new, higher lifestyle bracket. Money often brings out the worst in people, bringing out greed, pretentiousness and arrogance, although some people choose to let go of negativity and stress and are able to enjoy their newfound wealth, especially if they choose to share it with others less fortunate.

·        Power. Like money, power often brings out negative changes in people’s personalities. Having a taste of power when you previously didn’t have any can prompt people to want more and more. People who gain power suddenly can get lost in it’s allure, and forget about the simpler things in life that used to bring them joy at the expense of their new power.

·        Success. Sometimes when power is achieved through a person’s hard work and dedication to their goals, it can have a more positive effect. When someone succeeds, especially at a high level, it has the ability to change who they are. Someone who used to be meek and lacked confidence can become inspirational and visionary and be full of confidence.

·        Getting hurt. Getting hurt or shut down, especially repeatedly, can take a toll on a person, and have a negative effect on their personality. Someone who was once joyous and free spirited can get beaten down to the point where they become pessimistic and reserved. Being told that you aren’t good enough is a burden on a person’s personality and over time their positive traits can become diminished.

·        Toxic people. Spending time with toxic people, or people who are bad for us, can also take a toll on a persons personality. We can get so wrapped up in the people around us that they can rub of on us and have a bad influence on us, particularly if they make us feel ashamed or embarrassed about the way we are. If they mock or put down our personalities we can change over time to become more like them and less and less like our true selves.

Does ‘Intimacy’ Make Us Clingier?

We hear a lot about oxytocin and dopamine hormones being the culprit of our attachment after being intimate, but can we really blame it on the hormones? The story goes that oxytocin and dopamine are released after orgasm in both genders which then leads to feelings of attachment, clinginess, trust and elation.  If that is the case the premise would be that no matter if the act of intimacy is bad, so long as there is orgasm there will be attachment and so then on the flip side, are we saying that if there was intense intimacy and pleasure given and received without an excitement that there is no attachment?! I for one am extremely dubious about such a premise.

In my observation of human behavior, I’ve come to understand that as human beings we all seek acceptance and love, no matter what gender we may be. Women tend to be more sensitive and emotional and so this need is more apparent in females verses males who tend to be less emotional, but despite what may seem at first glance this need is there for both men and women. When we are close with someone, especially intimately, more often than not there is already some sort of admiration in place. Once intimacy takes place that admiration starts to grow along with trust and care. Our need for love and acceptance grows as well. 

From what I’ve seen, attachment forms over time. Just because you are physically intimate with someone once it will not make you clingy or attached. Furthermore how often does it happen that physical intimacy is amazing from the start? Typically it is not, it becomes amazing with time, as two people get to know each other, and get more comfortable with each other. It becomes great when two people trust each other enough to allow themselves to stop thinking and worrying and only when they start to truly feel one another. Attachment comes with communication, with care and signs of genuine love and awe. 

If you meet someone casually every few weeks, I highly doubt you will form as strong an attachment as you would if you’d be in constant communication on a daily basis, when you would spend time socially and develop a genuine friendship. So is it really the hormones at play or our minds? I say that whatever role our hormones play it is very minor in our attachment long term. Short term, of course if you somehow end up having great physical interaction from the get go you will definitely develop a stronger attachment but again, think about why. Someone has to be interested enough to get into your head, they have to want to please you, they have to know how to please you and they have to make you feel like you are a priority. So again, is it purely the hormones or the way we are being treated? Whether the attachment from the amazing physical act lasts long-term however depends whether both parties continue to treat each other in the same way outside of the “amazing physical act" with care, desire to please and the feeling of being a priority. Physically it is great because you feel good and secure, without one the other fades and no amount of hormones will save it. 

To address clinginess as opposed to attachment which is a bit different, it is definitely possible to feel a bit more clingy or needy after being physically intimate. Why? Well it really depends with each person and experience. If it is an ongoing long term relationship and you feel clingy after a session of great physical intimacy it is most likely due to the fact that you miss your partner and want to maintain that feeling of elation. In short term relationships, your clinginess is probably due to a need of validation, acceptance and as a show of continued interest from your partner. Whatever the case may be, know that this is temporary and try to pass this time of vulnerability by keeping extra busy and doing what you love as far as hobbies. Remind yourself that you have a life and it does not revolve around the other person. When you act secure in yourself and independent you will be desired even more.

“I’m going to tell you what a demon once told me: It is okay to want your own happiness. It’s okay to care about yourself the most. It’s okay to do what’s healthy for YOU. When someone hits you, it’s okay to hit back and then ask them what the hell they expected. It’s okay. You are not obligated to sit there and smile and swallow every bit of shit everyone heaps on you. You are more than furniture, you’re more than window dressing, you’re not their shiny toy. You’re human, and you have the right to say “That was shitty of you”. You have a right to say “Let me feed that back to you; tell me, how does it taste?” You have a right to protest your own mistreatment and set boundaries for respectful interactions. The rest of the world doesn’t realize you have this right, and they will act offended and appalled when you exercise it, but it is yours.”